If she is in danger right now
Call 999 immediately
If you believe she is in immediate physical danger from a partner, family member, or anyone else — don't wait. The police can help. Use silent solution: call 999, then press 55 if you can't speak openly.
Quick Jump
First Things First
Spot the Signs
Often the first sign isn't what someone says. It's what they stop saying. What they stop doing. Who they stop seeing. Trust your instincts — if something feels off, it usually is.
Possible Domestic Abuse
Controlling relationship
She becomes withdrawn from friends or family
Partner constantly texts/calls — checks her location
She apologises a lot, walks on eggshells when he's near
Unexplained injuries, or "clumsy" excuses for them
Has lost confidence, criticises herself constantly
Money is controlled by partner, can't access her own funds
Her social media has gone quiet, she's "always busy"
Possible Mental Health Struggle
Depression & anxiety
Big change in mood, energy, or sleep patterns
Withdrawing from things she usually loves
"I'm tired" / "I'm fine" repeated when she's clearly not
Increased crying, or numbness, or both
Drinking more, eating less or much more
Talks about being "a burden" or "too much"
Cancels plans, struggles to leave the house
Crisis Warning Signs
Suicide risk
Talks about being a burden or wanting to disappear
Giving away possessions she values
Sudden calm after a long period of distress
Researching methods or saying goodbye in a final way
Withdrawal from everything and everyone
Increase in risky behaviour with little concern
Direct or indirect mentions of self-harm
Coercive Control
Subtle red flags
She second-guesses every choice, defers to him
Can't make plans without "checking" first
Has stopped wearing certain clothes, makeup, hairstyles
Friends are described as "toxic" by her partner
She's monitored — phone checked, location shared without consent
"He's just protective" — but you feel uneasy
Her self-described identity has shrunk
Disordered Eating
Eating concerns
Avoiding meals, social eating, or "I already ate"
Strict food rules, calorie counting, weighing constantly
Excessive exercise — even when ill or exhausted
Weight changes (up or down) over a short period
Disappearing after meals (purging risk)
Wearing baggy clothes to hide changes
Obsession with "clean," "good," or "bad" foods
Trauma Response
After abuse or assault
Sudden personality shift after a specific event
Hyper-vigilance, easily startled, can't relax
Avoids certain places, people, or situations
Sleep disrupted, nightmares, exhaustion
Disconnected, "checked out," or numb
May minimise what happened — "it wasn't a big deal"
Difficulty trusting people or being touched
How to Help
Do This. Don't That.
There's no perfect script. Showing up consistently matters more than saying the right words. But some approaches help — and some can do real harm. Here's the difference.
DO This
Listen without fixing. She doesn't need a solution. She needs to be heard.
Believe her. Don't ask "are you sure?" — that question alone causes harm.
Stay in touch consistently. A weekly text — not just when crisis hits.
Use her words. If she calls it "a hard time," call it that. Don't escalate her language.
Tell her what you've noticed. "I've noticed you've been quieter lately. Are you okay?"
Validate without judgement. "That sounds really hard. I understand why you'd feel that way."
Offer specific help. "Can I bring food Tuesday?" instead of "let me know if you need anything."
Remind her she's not alone. "I'm here. I'll be here next week too."
Respect her timing. Leaving an abusive relationship takes 7 attempts on average.
DON'T Do This
Don't say "just leave him." If it were that simple, she would have. Leaving is the most dangerous moment.
Don't ask "why didn't you tell me sooner?" She told you when she could.
Don't compare her pain. "It could be worse" is never helpful.
Don't give ultimatums. "If you don't leave, I'm done with you" isolates her further.
Don't push her to confront the abuser. Increases her danger massively.
Don't share what she told you. Confidentiality is everything. No "concerned chats" with mutual friends.
Don't make it about you. "I just can't watch this happen" centres your distress over hers.
Don't disappear. Even if she pushes you away. Especially then.
Don't fix it for her. Calling her abuser, contacting her boss, removing her phone — these can all backfire dangerously.
When You're Ready to Talk
Starting the Conversation
If you're worried, the silence becomes its own message — and not always the right one. Here's a gentle, evidence-based approach to opening the door without pushing.
1
Pick a private moment
Never in front of others, never in front of her partner, never on a group chat. A quiet walk, a coffee, a call when she's alone.
"Could we grab coffee just the two of us this week? I miss you."
2
Open with observation, not accusation
Tell her what you've noticed without diagnosing her. Use "I've noticed" language. This puts the focus on your care, not her behaviour.
"I've noticed you've been quieter lately. I just wanted to check in. How are you really doing?"
3
If she opens up — just listen
Don't interrupt. Don't problem-solve. Don't gasp or react with horror. Stay calm, stay present, let her speak. Silence is okay. Tears are okay.
"That sounds incredibly hard. I'm so glad you told me. Take your time."
4
If she doesn't open up — still leave the door open
She might not be ready. That's okay. Make sure she knows you'll be here when she is. No pressure, no follow-up texts demanding explanation.
"I might be wrong, and that's fine. But if anything ever does come up, I'm here. No matter what. No judgement."
5
Follow up without pressure
A week later, just say hi. Send a meme. Drop her a "thinking of you." Don't reference the conversation unless she does. Just be present.
"Saw this and thought of you 💜 Hope you're having a gentle week."
6
Be the safe person over time
Helping someone isn't a single conversation. It's being a steady, judgement-free presence over months — sometimes years. The most powerful thing you can do is keep showing up.
"I'm not going anywhere. Whatever you decide, I'm with you."
UK Helplines & Services
Where to Get Real Help
All free. All confidential. Most are available 24/7. Save these numbers — for her, or for you, or for someone else who might need them one day.
Refuge
National Domestic Abuse Helpline · 24/7
Women's Aid
Live chat & support · Mon–Fri
Shout
Text-based crisis support · 24/7
Childline
For under 19s · Free · Confidential
National Alliance for Eating Disorders
Helpline & resources for ED concerns
Rape Crisis England & Wales
Specialist sexual violence support
Galop
LGBT+ anti-violence helpline
NHS 111 (Mental Health)
Mental health crisis · 24/7 · Free
Remember
"You don't have to fix it. You don't have to have the right words. You just have to show up, again and again. That alone — being someone she can count on — is the most powerful gift you'll ever give her." ✦